Wordlessness. Powerlessness. Powerlessness infers a comparison with power; otherwise, where would feelings of lacking power come from? One wants what she does not have, or … she has, but not enough. The connection between losing faith and losing the power of language – these are two different animals, as it were. Apples to oranges, so to speak. Perhaps I can set aside the powerlessness for a bit, the lack of language and context for a time, and focus on the other issue – the faith question. Sort of like … lemme think … say I lost my shoes. A side effect would be that I’m continually wearing out my socks now, as I never did before, and I find myself … sockless!
Well, I can work hard to replace my socks, but they’re just going to continue to wear out. Better to find more sturdy footwear – it’s the missing shoes that are the true issue here, the Cause, if you will. In my case, it’s the missing faith that is the Cause.
Someone well known – Aristotle or Socrates, perhaps – talked about Causes. I’ll have to look that up, maybe in my History of Philosophy …. Or is that the power/language quest popping up again – hoping to break through to some grand philosophy, to find I have a whole bunch in common with an ancient philosopher, tell myself I am truly a genius, after all … Being a genius is certainly internal power, anyhow – well, knowing one as a genius is inner power, I would think. To be ordinary ( ie – not a genius, not “special”, not powerful) and to lose faith, when faith has equaled identity, is difficult.
Last week, I asked for faith. I decided not to wait for a “who” or “Whom.” I just asked the Universe.
I thought about that for awhile, and came to this – if I’m going to believe anything, I want it to be True. Not a fairy story or a fantasy, though I have no problem believing in the Power of such, if that’s what it is. But whatever I pin my soul on, my life, my identity … for that, I require truth. I have a young friend willing to say whatever someone believes is true IS. Creating your own truth or Reality, I guess. So if you think you’ve got bad karma and I think God is judging me … we’re both right, but only for ourselves, as far as that goes … I guess you could call that tolerance. Never saying someone else is wrong, per se. I just don’t agree with you, Mr. Jones, but if it’s true for you, then I respect your reality, as it were ….
I find this unsatisfying – perhaps because I once had a Truth, seemingly rock-solid, that was Absolute. So to pick up a belief here or there and label it with that T seems less. I can’t do that. I asked for faith. And then, for Truth. If the Universe doesn’t know Truth, then there isn’t any to know, and if that’s the case, then I think it’s okay to live, and not trouble myself further ….
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