Faith's Journey .... Post #5

It's a loss of language, a loss of context ... an inability to articulate what I must essentially articulate ... frustrated attempts at communing and communicating with the Divine, with ... something, with ... some One. 






It's a freefall that doesn't end and a primeval scream that rips at the soul, but silently.  It's a fabric unraveling and a fibre disintegrating.  A hunger, a deep need for a faith that eludes, that's unnamable, that's beyond reach, that cannot be found. 

The question persists - how did this happen?  How did I come to this place?  And even, what has happened?  I don't know.  I can't tell.  And if I knew, I don't think I have language to speak it ... like that old text about there being a cry of the spirit that words cannot express. 



I've come to wonder if it's possible to recapture the ability to live beyond language - I mean, once I knew a whole world without language, like, when I was born and for awhile afterwards ...

Is it possible, could I be content, could I even live if my languageless-ness isn't remedied somehow?  I don't like it.  I want words to tell what's what and who's who and ... everything.  But ... are words always necessary?  Wordlessness equals powerlessness, helplessness, lack of ability.

 

 I want so badly to understand and I can't make heads or tails of it and then I tell myself it shouldn't matter, and I should stop trying to figure it out and label things with ultimate answers and stuff ... but I never believe myself when I say that. 

 I keep seeking, and I know another old text tells me that those who seek will, inevitably, find ... but I don't think I believe it, not yet, anyhow.  How I long for finding ...